Sunday, November 28, 2010

Thank You Random.

I'm not really sure where to start.  I have been absent for some time.  So much for forcing myself to write every week.  It seems as though I can slack on that just as easily as everything else.  I could tell you I have had things going on, I work a lot, I took a trip to Los Angeles and played a show, Thanksgiving was this past week.  I have been busy.  However, I am always busy, just like all of us.  There just isn't enough time in the day.  That is as true as it's ever been.  There is never enough time.

We all always have things to do, stuff going on.  We always find reasons not to do things.  It seems harder to find reasons to do things.  It is always easier to slack, to sleep, to play on the internet or watch television or a movie.  It is always harder to be productive.  To exercise, to write, to play an instrument.  Even though I get great enjoyment out of being productive, it seems as though it's hard to get started.  Once I start though, I am always happy.  It feels good to accomplish something, no matter how small the task, it feels good to do it.  So why is it so hard to do?  If you feel better after being productive, why is it easier to not do anything.  Why do a lot of us prefer to be lazy and feel bad for not doing anything, when we could just as quickly push ourselves a little, get something done and feel good about ourselves?  I can't really say, it is just a passing thought, an ever present passing thought.

So, let's catch things up.  A few weeks back I visited my old neighborhood in Los Angeles.  I had a blast hanging with friends, going to the beach, exploring cocktail joints with my new cocktail snobbery, and playing a fantastic show.  It was an amazing adventure.  In fact it was more amazing than I had anticipated.  I actually missed Los Angeles by the time it was over.  I actually did not want to leave.  This seemed odd to me at first.  I mean, Los Angeles is a monster of a city.  It drained me living there.  In some manners, mostly financial, I am still paying off living there.  Still, I miss it.  The atmosphere, my friends, the constant hustle, the ridiculous nature of people.  It seemed different this time, easier, not intimidating.  If I returned I wouldn't be trying to prove anything, I'd just be myself.  Perhaps that notion is what made it appealing, knowing I could go back, knowing I'd be fine if I did.  I'm not saying that is what comes next for me, but it was a thought, and not a thought I thought I would have.  It certainly didn't hurt that I felt the show I played was the best one I've played in a year.  It was great seeing all my friends that came out!  Truly fantastic.  Making another reason I was sad to leave.

Now I have returned to Nashville.  I have returned to being stuck behind some driver going 10 miles under the speed limit constantly.  I have returned to a town not in a hurry.  There is something to be said for not being in a hurry.  There is something to be said about being casual.  Not while driving mind you, but casual living and thought, certainly.  I do enjoy not having to rush everywhere or plan all of my trips two hours ahead due to traffic, but…..There is also too slow, and too casual.  Moving faster than all of those around you doesn't get you anywhere, just frustrated.  We are all subject to our environments.  One cog can't push the whole machine.  This isn't to say that I am always trying to move quickly.  I guess I always like things happening quickly, and I enjoy actually driving the speed limit (at least) but, I don't always move quickly.  Sometimes the casual pace is fine.  Right now it just seems as though the place I have gotten in two years living in Nashville isn't where I thought I'd be.  I suppose that is how this life works though, it never works how you thought it might be, it only works as it does.  I mean, I know better than to have expectations.  I still have some though, I would think we all do.  If we didn't we would never be upset at how things worked out.

I suppose my lesson in visiting all of my homes over the past few months is, it isn't the place, it's the person.  Seems like a simple lesson.  Seems like something that one should just know.  I think some things we just know, need to be reinstated every once in a while.  It is easy to forget.  It is easy to get caught up in your own life and forget where you are or what you're trying to do.  Sometimes it's so easy that you quite trying.  Sometimes it's so easy that you quite doing anything at all.  And sometimes the plans you make work out in a completely opposite way in which you planned them, and sometimes life teaches you things you thought you knew.  Sometimes random events outline the reality you've been ignoring.  Realizing those things as they happen is the best thing I've ever been able to do for myself.  It's those random events that re-engage me.  It's those random events that guide my sense of purpose.  And it's those random events that wake me up, tell me I'm not dead yet, and to quite acting like it.

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