Tuesday, February 22, 2011

back to the begining

back to the scratch paper, back to the rough ideas, back to the nonsense that you thought made sense the first time through.  back to the burners, back to the haze, back to the forgotten nights that made so much sense.  back to the lost conversations that changed your life.  back to the empty black hole of existence.  or is that a choice?
Sometimes I think it is a choice.  Sometimes I think living in a never-ending escapist lifestyle is the ever present choice to despair and anger, some sort of resentfulness towards life.  It just doesn't have to be like that, does it?  You choose your company and conversations.  You choose your attitude and approach.  You choose your business and your lifestyle.  These aren't just things that happen to you.  These are things you let happen to you, you encourage happening to you, you create happening to you.
We could all change our lives everyday.  We could all wake up and be different people.  It is prisons and mindsets that some of us hold ourselves in.  It's taking chances, and putting ourselves through fear that make lasting differences.  It's easy to actually do and hard to honestly do.
Most of us never do it.  We never change.  We think about changing, we talk about changing.  We give ourselves different ideas for change.  Things we can conceive ourselves doing, but we don't do them.  Or, we do for a little bit and return.  Some of us hold out.  Some of us change.  Some of us see the abundance of difference it can create in our lives, and some of us never do.

this game isn't easy.
this game isn't even really a game.  it just makes it easier to take in that way.

all of this is real.

the thing is, you never really have the answer.  you guess.  you guess to the best of your abilities, daily.

no one has the answers.  you can look for them.  some folks can help, some can hurt, some can give you insight you never had, but none will ever have the answer for you.  it's empty.  it's sad.
make it funny, give it humor, laugh at it.  laugh at the realness of reality.
you silly bastard, reality.  I'm on to you.

but I'm not on to you, and you know it.  you see through me.  you see me.  you know me.   you know me better than I know myself.  at least, sometimes I believe that you do.  and sometimes I think I am losing my mind as well, so....so much for my opinion.

it's just.....so much has happened.  so much is happening.  so much that needs to be said, so much that needs to be typed.

I just keep losing it.  losing focus.  losing focus on purpose, and trying to find it for fun.

who am I these days?  where did I go, and where exactly am I going?  but does that matter, that's the kicker, does that matter, really?  it can, right?

I cannot believe that I haven't written anything since November.  I vowed to do this weekly and  I didn't get very far.  Weekly in my mind turned to monthly, monthly turned to whenever, whenever turned into never.  I figured no one reads this, so who cares?  That isn't really the point though.  The point is I got speechless.   I thought of a million things to write about but wrote about none of them.  Now it's time to backtrack, time to get started again, time to continue my internet therapy in a flow of blog-dom.

it's like "hello nasty, where you been.".......?