Sunday, November 28, 2010

Thank You Random.

I'm not really sure where to start.  I have been absent for some time.  So much for forcing myself to write every week.  It seems as though I can slack on that just as easily as everything else.  I could tell you I have had things going on, I work a lot, I took a trip to Los Angeles and played a show, Thanksgiving was this past week.  I have been busy.  However, I am always busy, just like all of us.  There just isn't enough time in the day.  That is as true as it's ever been.  There is never enough time.

We all always have things to do, stuff going on.  We always find reasons not to do things.  It seems harder to find reasons to do things.  It is always easier to slack, to sleep, to play on the internet or watch television or a movie.  It is always harder to be productive.  To exercise, to write, to play an instrument.  Even though I get great enjoyment out of being productive, it seems as though it's hard to get started.  Once I start though, I am always happy.  It feels good to accomplish something, no matter how small the task, it feels good to do it.  So why is it so hard to do?  If you feel better after being productive, why is it easier to not do anything.  Why do a lot of us prefer to be lazy and feel bad for not doing anything, when we could just as quickly push ourselves a little, get something done and feel good about ourselves?  I can't really say, it is just a passing thought, an ever present passing thought.

So, let's catch things up.  A few weeks back I visited my old neighborhood in Los Angeles.  I had a blast hanging with friends, going to the beach, exploring cocktail joints with my new cocktail snobbery, and playing a fantastic show.  It was an amazing adventure.  In fact it was more amazing than I had anticipated.  I actually missed Los Angeles by the time it was over.  I actually did not want to leave.  This seemed odd to me at first.  I mean, Los Angeles is a monster of a city.  It drained me living there.  In some manners, mostly financial, I am still paying off living there.  Still, I miss it.  The atmosphere, my friends, the constant hustle, the ridiculous nature of people.  It seemed different this time, easier, not intimidating.  If I returned I wouldn't be trying to prove anything, I'd just be myself.  Perhaps that notion is what made it appealing, knowing I could go back, knowing I'd be fine if I did.  I'm not saying that is what comes next for me, but it was a thought, and not a thought I thought I would have.  It certainly didn't hurt that I felt the show I played was the best one I've played in a year.  It was great seeing all my friends that came out!  Truly fantastic.  Making another reason I was sad to leave.

Now I have returned to Nashville.  I have returned to being stuck behind some driver going 10 miles under the speed limit constantly.  I have returned to a town not in a hurry.  There is something to be said for not being in a hurry.  There is something to be said about being casual.  Not while driving mind you, but casual living and thought, certainly.  I do enjoy not having to rush everywhere or plan all of my trips two hours ahead due to traffic, but…..There is also too slow, and too casual.  Moving faster than all of those around you doesn't get you anywhere, just frustrated.  We are all subject to our environments.  One cog can't push the whole machine.  This isn't to say that I am always trying to move quickly.  I guess I always like things happening quickly, and I enjoy actually driving the speed limit (at least) but, I don't always move quickly.  Sometimes the casual pace is fine.  Right now it just seems as though the place I have gotten in two years living in Nashville isn't where I thought I'd be.  I suppose that is how this life works though, it never works how you thought it might be, it only works as it does.  I mean, I know better than to have expectations.  I still have some though, I would think we all do.  If we didn't we would never be upset at how things worked out.

I suppose my lesson in visiting all of my homes over the past few months is, it isn't the place, it's the person.  Seems like a simple lesson.  Seems like something that one should just know.  I think some things we just know, need to be reinstated every once in a while.  It is easy to forget.  It is easy to get caught up in your own life and forget where you are or what you're trying to do.  Sometimes it's so easy that you quite trying.  Sometimes it's so easy that you quite doing anything at all.  And sometimes the plans you make work out in a completely opposite way in which you planned them, and sometimes life teaches you things you thought you knew.  Sometimes random events outline the reality you've been ignoring.  Realizing those things as they happen is the best thing I've ever been able to do for myself.  It's those random events that re-engage me.  It's those random events that guide my sense of purpose.  And it's those random events that wake me up, tell me I'm not dead yet, and to quite acting like it.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

this circle spins.

Number 3 my friends.

What ever shall I rant or praise this time.  Perhaps I should just keep this as a weekly installment of my weekly experiences.  I don't want to always rant and sound like some aging bastard, or do I?  Or do I want to invoke my self created optimism.  That brighter side, that notion of this life on the uphill battle to a better stature.  Or should I start developing my ideas on mortality, and how this all ends in death and what are we doing with it now, it being life, obviously, or not so obvious to some.  What are we doing with it now?

I can tell you that I made a venture to Austin Texas this weekend.  My hometown, the place where I grew up.  Not the place I was born, but the place I grew up.  The town I learned my lessons in.  The city that primarily made me who I am today.  It developed my mindsets, my attitude, my dreams.  It built my manners and sometimes lack there of.  It is the town where I made lifelong friends.  It is also the town I ran away from as soon as I fancied the notion.
I love Austin.  I will never say anything different.  There is so much to love about it.  All anybody has to do to understand that, is visit it.  There is actually something for everyone there, everyone of any mindset, of any hobby, of any culture, creed, sexual preference.  Any, and everyone can and will find something they like about Austin Texas.  I challenge them not to find one thing.
All praise aside, I cannot currently reside there.  It seems weird.  It seems weird to some.  I have a slew of friends in Austin.  I have friends that I see every time I visit, some that I see most times I visit, and some that talk of seeing me every time I visit, but never have.  In fact I have visited Austin from other new homes more than some of my Austin friends have ever left there hometown.  I have been going back to visit once or twice a year for over 7 years.  In that time I have seen less than 5 (give or take the accuracy on that number) Austin friends in other areas of the country.  I won't worry on that point too much.  I am sure various people have various reasons, and it isn't fair to talk badly to any points I don't have intimate knowledge with.  It just seems odd to me, and I'll leave it at that.  Maybe it isn't odd.  Maybe lots of people don't leave their homes.  I just can't really understand why.  There is so much world out there.
The sad part is, I am always excited to visit.  I can never wait to get there and hangout with people.  Almost every time I leave saddened.  I leave saddened by the people I didn't see, saddened by the people that didn't make an effort.  Saddened by the folks that couldn't fit it in their schedule.  My sadness could very well be self-fish though.  I mean, lives go on.  People have events happen, some of them, life changing, and if you are not around, you are not part of them.  When you are not part of major events in friends lives, you become less a part of their life, you become less relevant.  You become someone they use to know, back in the day.  I'm sure that is the way it is for most of us.  We all have a number of friends we have had over the years, friends that we would talk to if we saw, friends that we hold in dear regards, but not the friends we call when the shit goes down.
I suppose some of this is my self imposed illusion.  Every time I go back to Austin it seems the same.  It seems like the same town it was that I grew up in, even people seem the same.  That just can't be true though.  It isn't the same.  The people are not the same.  We have all grown.  Together, or apart, we have all grown.  Life has happened.  Times have changed.   Even when some instances seem nostalgic, they are never the same.

I guess that I try to stay connected, at least I feel like I try.  Perhaps I am kidding myself in both the possibility and the actuality of that.  I will have to become more smart in that regard.  I do plan on continuing to change my life and surroundings.  It is just the person I started to become years ago.  I enjoy being that way, it has helped to make me who I am today.  I cannot expect my past to want to keep up with me as much as I'd like to keep up with it.  Such is life, I suppose.  That's what some say, isn't it? With a wider eye, I'll keep walking, and while I am mostly open to the doors of days gone by, I can never expect them to still be open to me.  There is nothing wrong or hurtful in that, it's just the way this circle spins.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Number 2

Okay.  Number 2, as in poopy.  I mean, that's basically what a blog is.  Random nonsense.  I write whatever I think, you read it, disagree, agree, waste time, purpose served.  It's silliness and I am not sure exactly why I started.  I think it makes me feel productive.  I think it's suppose to help me connect with an audience.  However, I am not sure that I believe either of those things.  What exactly is creative about writing random thoughts?  How is typing those thoughts and posting them on the internet connecting?  All of that is beside the point I suppose.  I'm doing it.  I'm writing, you're reading, so here we are.

I have had an equally interesting and eventful week.  It was as interesting and eventful as it wasn't.  Obviously this needs explaining.  I'll start with the good bits.  My birthday was this past Sunday.  I feel no need to tell you my age, but let's just say I have been around a few blocks more than a few times.  It was a wonderful day.  I drank.  After I drank I changed locations and drank some more.  This continued for the entire day.  Needless to say I had fun.  I challenge anyone to not have fun during a day where all you primarily do is drink.  I ate and drank and ate and drank.  I had cocktails for breakfast, beer during my phone conversations with family, cocktails in the early evening, a bottle of wine with dinner and beer and shots for desert.  It was a nice jolly day.  This is who I have turned into.  I don't completely agree with myself becoming this way, but when my job became serving people alcohol, I started to consume more.  I also garnered a healthy tolerance, so I can do things like drink all day and function.  This isn't the best way to be, but people do worse as much as they do better.  Besides, I'm not admitting to being an alcoholic, I'm saying it was my birthday and I drank a ton.   The majority of friends I have do the same, birthday or not.  I personally save the binge for special occasions.


I played a show in Atlanta this past week.  It was one of the worst formulated shows I have ever played in my 10+ years of performance.  I played in a venue that not only didn't promote our show, but in one that keep us (me and my fellow performer) hidden from any potential audience we could have had.  Question; you own a club.  You have musicians come to you're club with the intention of entertaining.  You easily have 100 to 200 folks wondering about your establishment.  What do you think you would do with the performance?  Let people know it was there?  Invite folks in?  Understanding that the acts drove 4 hours to be there, wouldn't you want to make it worth the trip?  Wouldn't you want something good to come from even bothering with that?  Or would you hide the performers in a little room and keep the doors closed so any wondering patrons would assume an employee of the bar was having a practice session?  If you answered the later, open a bar/venue in Atlanta.  Open a bar and then take road shows that you will conceal.  Seriously, this show was one of the biggest wastes of time I have ever had the pleasure to waste time on.  Nobody won on this, and there was nothing I could have done differently.

Now I have to wonder.  What comes next?  How long do I put myself out there to be ignored and abused.  The answer has always been for as long as it takes.  That was before the answer was taking too long.  It has gotten to the point where sometimes I don't even enjoy music.  I don't really listen to it as much as I use to.  It has become background, atmosphere, a silence killer.  My ears have been bombed with senseless emotionless crap that fills the airwaves.  Party music that fuels peoples soulless frenzies, music that is forgotten 6 months later.  That goes for music across the board.  Mindless rap is just as numbing as apathetic indie rock.  People are making music for dollars, but not for the sense of quality, of being timeless.  Songs that can touch this generation as much as the next aren't being pushed out there.  I have no doubt they are being written and performed, but they are rarely becoming part of the culture anymore.  Somewhere along the line having a heart became uncool, while constantly singing about getting your freak on with horrible if not completely absent metaphors became accepted and common.

What happened to us?  Who are we?  Why is music becoming candy that we shove down, forget about, shit out and get fat on?

Number 2.

Monday, September 27, 2010

the word.

In the beginning there was the word, and the word was good.

I have started a new thing, a new thing for me, a blog.  I will use this platform to share, my thoughts, music, pictures, videos and random rants of stories and scribble.  Anything related to me.  Anyone will be welcome to join me on this journey.  One rule will be standard for my blog.  If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it.  There are thousands of things to do on the internet to waste your time, so if you don't enjoy my blog, stay away from it.  The only negativity aloud will be mine, for it is my blog.  Other than that anything else is acceptable.  Comments, suggestions, ideas, thoughts.......

It is still early in the day for me.  It is 12:35pm.  This is the time of day where I have usually had a few cups of coffee and have eaten something.  My mind at this time isn't at it's fullest potential, but it is beginning to be on it's way.  That said, I don't have much to share at the moment.  I simply want to get this thing started. I will plan on updating my blog at least weekly, if not more.  It will depend on my mood and sense of things to share.

A large portion of this blog will focus on my music.  This will most likely consist of my posting songs, videos and pictures from my shows and catalog.  The rest will likely be my thoughts on any and everything.  It could be poems, or attempts at short stories.  It could be a rant or rave on anything that is happening or has happened in my daily life.  These things could interest you, or help distract you in your own daily life.  I find most of our lives is focused on distraction, so I will be doing my part to distract.