Wednesday, October 13, 2010

this circle spins.

Number 3 my friends.

What ever shall I rant or praise this time.  Perhaps I should just keep this as a weekly installment of my weekly experiences.  I don't want to always rant and sound like some aging bastard, or do I?  Or do I want to invoke my self created optimism.  That brighter side, that notion of this life on the uphill battle to a better stature.  Or should I start developing my ideas on mortality, and how this all ends in death and what are we doing with it now, it being life, obviously, or not so obvious to some.  What are we doing with it now?

I can tell you that I made a venture to Austin Texas this weekend.  My hometown, the place where I grew up.  Not the place I was born, but the place I grew up.  The town I learned my lessons in.  The city that primarily made me who I am today.  It developed my mindsets, my attitude, my dreams.  It built my manners and sometimes lack there of.  It is the town where I made lifelong friends.  It is also the town I ran away from as soon as I fancied the notion.
I love Austin.  I will never say anything different.  There is so much to love about it.  All anybody has to do to understand that, is visit it.  There is actually something for everyone there, everyone of any mindset, of any hobby, of any culture, creed, sexual preference.  Any, and everyone can and will find something they like about Austin Texas.  I challenge them not to find one thing.
All praise aside, I cannot currently reside there.  It seems weird.  It seems weird to some.  I have a slew of friends in Austin.  I have friends that I see every time I visit, some that I see most times I visit, and some that talk of seeing me every time I visit, but never have.  In fact I have visited Austin from other new homes more than some of my Austin friends have ever left there hometown.  I have been going back to visit once or twice a year for over 7 years.  In that time I have seen less than 5 (give or take the accuracy on that number) Austin friends in other areas of the country.  I won't worry on that point too much.  I am sure various people have various reasons, and it isn't fair to talk badly to any points I don't have intimate knowledge with.  It just seems odd to me, and I'll leave it at that.  Maybe it isn't odd.  Maybe lots of people don't leave their homes.  I just can't really understand why.  There is so much world out there.
The sad part is, I am always excited to visit.  I can never wait to get there and hangout with people.  Almost every time I leave saddened.  I leave saddened by the people I didn't see, saddened by the people that didn't make an effort.  Saddened by the folks that couldn't fit it in their schedule.  My sadness could very well be self-fish though.  I mean, lives go on.  People have events happen, some of them, life changing, and if you are not around, you are not part of them.  When you are not part of major events in friends lives, you become less a part of their life, you become less relevant.  You become someone they use to know, back in the day.  I'm sure that is the way it is for most of us.  We all have a number of friends we have had over the years, friends that we would talk to if we saw, friends that we hold in dear regards, but not the friends we call when the shit goes down.
I suppose some of this is my self imposed illusion.  Every time I go back to Austin it seems the same.  It seems like the same town it was that I grew up in, even people seem the same.  That just can't be true though.  It isn't the same.  The people are not the same.  We have all grown.  Together, or apart, we have all grown.  Life has happened.  Times have changed.   Even when some instances seem nostalgic, they are never the same.

I guess that I try to stay connected, at least I feel like I try.  Perhaps I am kidding myself in both the possibility and the actuality of that.  I will have to become more smart in that regard.  I do plan on continuing to change my life and surroundings.  It is just the person I started to become years ago.  I enjoy being that way, it has helped to make me who I am today.  I cannot expect my past to want to keep up with me as much as I'd like to keep up with it.  Such is life, I suppose.  That's what some say, isn't it? With a wider eye, I'll keep walking, and while I am mostly open to the doors of days gone by, I can never expect them to still be open to me.  There is nothing wrong or hurtful in that, it's just the way this circle spins.

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